It's Shantell and I'm here to confess...
In my dating life, I've tried way too hard with guys who couldn't meet my needs. I think I do this because I see 'potential' and ultimately want to see and believe the best about people. I also believe that people can and do change for the better because I have seen this happen. Another reason I've tried too hard with guys because there have been moments that I was really, really tired of being single, so I considered guys that I wouldn't normally consider as dating options.
For example...
A few years back there was this guy that showed a bit of interest in me, and he was cute, involved in our church and smart, so of course I played along. But, the thing was even though he flirted and grinned, he NEVER asked me out. This puzzled me. So after a couple of months of waiting for him, one day I just decided to ask him out.
The date itself was fine, but what I discovered about this guy was that we just didn't connect. He was nice and somewhat funny. He was also nice to look at and had good teeth (teeth are important to me because I like smiles and bad teeth get in the way of that). But, despite this, it was sort of like he was aloof to the point of being unreachable, and well, that doesn't work for me personally. I don't need to people to lay out every detail of their lives either. I just want to know that the lights are home and someone is actually in there. I'm all about being real and down to earth, and this guy just wasn't a good fit for me. We weren't a match, and looking back, that was okay. At the time it sucked, of course.
So even though I *knew* this about him, I still tried. There's that word again: Potential. He texted me a few times, and I always replied, but never asked me out. Not once.
Then there was a day I just gripped the reality that it wasn't working for me. So instead of just deleting his number totally, I changed his name in my phone to "Guy Who Can't Give You What You Need." And, if I was ever tempted, I saw his name and was reminded that "it" really wasn't there with this particular guy. I've considered deleting it entirely, because it's been years now, but somehow I keep it because there there is a bigger lesson in this for me.
You don't date (or especially marry) someone for their potential. You date them because you like who they are and they like who you are. No one is perfect of course, but I should have known he wasn't the guy for me when he didn't show enough interest to ask me out. The fact that we didn't connect was just a bit more proof.
So I guess my thought here is that we as singles should hold out for a person that we really can connect with instead of wasting time and energy on people who we know in our hearts really aren't right for us. I'm not saying not to be open and give people a chance, but I am saying when it's dead, don't get out the paddles and try to revive it. Get off the ride and move on. This, of course, is always much easier to say logically than to do emotionally. Which is why I think I'll keep this reminder in my phone...
Anyone out there have this experience with potential? Please share!